Gone With The "Wein"

You report, we deride!


As God is my witness, I'll never go stealing again!

Editor's Note: Really folks, I didn't change this panel!

CAW Part VI or Naughty Guardians Need Love Too!

Beefcake/Cheesecake Appreciation Week nears an end...

Since all my previous entries have been from either Green Lantern or The Legion, why not continue the trend?

So TPCM proudly presents....

Lianna, Guardian of the Bustier!

Is there enough material on her to even count as a bustier?

Green Lantern #160, "Offspring"

Instead of my usual ramblings, I've coaxed a very special guest, Mr. Johnny DC, out of retirement for an important public service announcement.

Johnny, thanks for helping out today.

"I'm always glad to help QL. It's swell to be here and you're a swell fellow.

Boys and girls, I want to talk to you about good clean living. Living an upstanding life is important not just because it's the moral thing to do, but also it's good for you.

Take Lianna up there. Years of long nights filled with drinking, smoking and recreational drugs led from a body like that to this:

Remember boys and girls, 'healthy living' or this could happen to you !"

Great job Johnny. And next time here at TPCM... "Hey, where the hell is my money!?! I wanna see a Franklin right now ! And where're the women and the booze? You said there'd be women here, you damn queermo. Who wrote that sh*t anyway? 'Healthy living' my ass!! I've read better copy written by Bates when he was tripping! Let me tell you... " Well readers, I should go and make sure Johnny gets his promised "honorarium" for the visit. And who knows, if I can scrounge up another hundred bucks, a fifth of Jack and a copy of "Debbie Does Dallas", maybe I can convince Johnny DC to stop by again.

Til next time,
QL

Editor's Note: The photo of the female Guardian was taken from Green Lantern #4.

BAW Part II or Kyle Rayner: The Power of Tighty-Whities

As part of Beefcake/Cheesecake Appreciation Week.

InterSector Memorandum

TO: Hal Jordan, Green Lantern - Sector 2814

From: Kyle Rayner, ION - Any damn where I wanna be

Subject: Your much ballyhooed butt

Date: 10/17/2006

CC: H.E.A.T.

It has come to my attention that everybody thinks your butt’s soooo hot.

In response to this matter, check me out: ripped bod, perfectly clipped body hair and amply-filled briefs.

In summary, bite me!

Green Lantern #144, "The Battle of Fire and Light"
"The Power of Ion" arc

And speaking of Hal's butt, for an array of Green Lantern butts, check out this post at SallyP's Green Lantern's Butt FOREVER!.

TPCM NOTE: Edited to correct an oversight.

Hal, Do You Have To Copy Everything Oliver Does?

First it was imitating Oliver's "soul-searching hippie" act in the '70s. Now Hal has to follow Ollie into politics.

What's next? Is Hal going to die and then come back from the dead!?!

NORTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN PARTY Raleigh, North Carolina 27605 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Friday, February 17, 2006

Hal Jordan Files To Run Against Speaker Jim Black

(RALEIGH) – Hal Jordan, a Republican from Charlotte, filed today to run against Speaker Jim Black in House District 100.

“I look forward to running against Speaker Jim Black and serving the citizens of southeast Mecklenburg in House District 100”, said Hal Jordan. “The allegations that have plagued the Speaker have cast a shadow of serious doubt over his credibility. My commitment is to be open and accountable in order to restore trust in the District 100 Representative.”

When Jordan was questioned by an ace reporter from The Planetary Chance Machine about his own past bad behavior, Jordan responded, "All that stuff when I killed a bunch of fellow Lanterns and the Guardians, tried to destroy the universe and in general acted like an asshat, well I was a really heavy drinker at the time. No wait, I was molested by a priest as a kid. No, no, I was possessed by a giant yellow cockroach. Yeah, that was it!"

###

You see, Mark Foley, you should have tried the "giant yellow cockroach" excuse; at least you didn't evoke the "TWINKies" defense.

As for the much maligned giant yellow cockroach, Kalinara at Pretty, Fizzy Paradise has a great post on why the Parallax concept doesn't absolve Hal from his sins, in fact it highlights his fatal flaw, arrogance.

Finally, if anybody from the Jordan campaign happens to read this, don't get your knickers in a bunch! It's a joke for goodness sake. In fairness, here's the complete Hal Jordan press release (unfortunately without any TPCM wit).